Seven Things Husbands Should Not Do When Their Wives are Hosting Ladies Bible Study ¹

If there were any perfect answer to this situation, it would be summed up in one rule, two words:  “Be there.”  As in, “Don’t.”  The thing you should not do is to be there.  Put another way, the thing to do is to be somewhere else.  Out of town, when possible, is an excellent idea.  Unfortunately, that’s not always possible, for a multitude of reasons.  Hence, this little guide is my service to you younger and less experienced men who may need a little help in the harmony department.

Being men, not women, let us not analyze too deeply on the whys and wherefores of life, of marriage, of why women host Ladies Bible Studies, etc.  They do, and being realists, we live with it, and we love them for it.  Indeed, there are very few things for which we do not love them, but once again, let’s don’t go there.  If we were to do so, we would regret it soon enough.  So we love them for that too.2

Being men, let’s get to the subject at hand.  You can, and will, come up with more reasons, maybe even better reasons.  Send them to the author and receive the gift of gratitude, along with honorable edition in future editions of this little manual.

1. Unless asked to do so, do not even think about how to decorate or how The Occasion should be run, in terms of program, content, etc.  If asked to do so, do your dead-level best to demur.  If impossible, then give it your best shot, in broad terms, with as little detail as, on paper or in e-mail.  Just remember, if you do, and if anything goes less than perfect, guess whose fault it is going to be.
2. Do not leave the yard or the approaches to the house in a cluttered or messy condition.  The status of your wife, indeed, her happiness in life appears to depend upon this.  (As on many other things, of course, but on these Occasions, what she normally does not notice at all suddenly becomes an eyesore, an embarrassment, and an Event about which you do not want to talk, later.  Clean it up.)
3. Do not remain in the house after approximately half the guests have arrived.  Say hello, politely, (go easy on the hugs), and excuse yourself with “some work I have to get done.”  (If you can, then go knock off something on the “To Do List.” You will gain major points during this time of exile from your own house.)
4. Do not “pop in” during the Occasion, for any reason.  If you really, really, really need a tool or something from inside, sneak in and get it quietly.  Practice your ninja skills.  Don’t disturb them with thoughts of your presence.  (For minor things like your drivers license, forget it.  Better to get a ticket.  And this is one good reason to keep a spare wallet in the garage, along with a little cash and an extra credit card.)
5. Do not mow the yard, run the weed-eater or a chainsaw, anywhere in the yard. If you want to work on an engine, do so without it running, or be sure it has a very quiet motor.  You do not want to intrude upon the serenity and the sanctity of the household when the ladies are enjoying their solitude.  You do not want them to think of you.  If it’s a motorcycle, they may be allowed to hear it once, and briefly, and that sound rapidly diminishing as you disappear down the street.
6. Under no circumstances are you to take a bath, and certainly not if there is only one bathroom!  What are you thinking?  In fact, if you need to go to the toilet at all, and if you don’t have a bathroom in your garage or some other remote location, then go outside in the bushes, if possible, or in one of your “secret places”.  If this is not possible, then go to the gas station or convenience store or fast-food restaurant.  It’s safer that way.
7. Insofar as you are capable, do not allow interruptions of The Occasion.  Salesmen, mailmen, UPS, incoming rocket fire, etc., it is up to you, if you are nearby, to protect the tranquility of the event.  Do it.  Quietly.

Here’s the problem with being gone.  On rare occasions, She will want your presence.  Perhaps it is only to ask a question, after which you will disappear again, if you are smart.  Perhaps she wants you to perform a feat of strength (move the couch, open a pickle jar, lift a corner of the house to show the ladies you can, whatever).  It would not be best if you were still in town, and yet so far away that you could not appear, and quickly, at that!  Ideally, she will not have to raise her voice or ring the porch bell.  Ideally, she can push a button and you will appear.  The in-between zone is dangerous.  Very close is good, and hours away is good, since she won’t call you if you’re gone fishing, for example.

Thanks to modern technology, there is one thing you can now do which could improve many a marriage.  Cell phones.3   Have one on you during these times of “feminine visitations of state”.  Not only should you have it on you, have it turned on, and have it charged up.  They want your cell phone to be ready when they are, just like they want you – ready, turned on and charged up.  It’s not hard to understand.  It’s just hard to do sometimes.  Do it anyway.

It’s that simple, Fellows.  Follow these seven simple little rules and you may expect harmony and prosperity to bless your domain for a long and happy marriage.